The Grace

Sometimes this Mama loses her $#/&, people.  Sometimes they are at fault, and sometimes they are just being boys or brothers.  When I lose it, they get that look on their faces...the one that communicates "Oh dear, Mama has lost her $#/&!!!!  Here she goes."  I hate it when they get that look as it reeks of despair and maybe even fear...fear of what I think of them in that moment.  I know I am hurting their little souls as I rant.  These are not my finest moments.

It happened just now as we were driving home, as one was unhappy and got a little snippy and that snippy prompted a lot of snippy from another and then the third one decided to get involved.  Then Mama lost it, and the love was not flowing in any direction.

Sometimes, Mama needs to lose it.  When a Mama has three boys, I don't think anyone expects her to be syrupy sweet in every moment, nor should she be.  BUT sometimes this Mama needs to just breathe and love and speak peace and hope instead.

So, I administered the "sorry", and the "sorry" changes things.  They, as always, were so forgiving.  They know how to forgive, these three, and they are full of grace with their Mama.  The big one said, "it's alright", in that voice that is somewhere between child and man.  The little one said, "it's ok, now can I show you my magic trick?".  The middle one looked at me with those big eyes and said, "it's ok.  I still love you" with a sheepish grin.

The grace...it changes everything.

I am...

READING The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown but also at the very same time a fluffy romance novel because sometimes I just need to.

PLAYING Words With Friends, but not very well because I keep getting warnings that I will automatically lose all my games soon.

WATCHING Criminal Minds when I exercise...some days it is the ONLY reason I exercise, folks.

TRYING to exercise every day (see above)

COOKING when I get the chance which is not often...I really should use that crockpot more.

EATING almonds I found hidden in my desk drawer...it was like a giant surprise when I found them!!

DRINKING coffee always...really, what else is there?

CALLING no one, preferably...I don't love talking on the phone.

TEXTING Mr. Wood with sweet nothings...our text history could be a smut novel, and I'm proud of that, people.

PINNING Master Bedroom organization...I can't even...the laundry...I can't put it away, I'm allergic.

TWEETING nothing..I've never tweeted or twittered.

CRAFTING rarely, but it's always fun when I do.  I crafted a little before Christmas and it made me super happy.

DOING my best to do all of the things and still love all of the people.

GOING to a ballgame, always...it's fun, though.

LOVING my people...the ones I live with and the ones I don't, the ones I have sought out and the unexpected surprises...all of the people

HATING injustice, both in the big world out there and in my little world

DISCOVERING that gel polish really doesn't chip off my nails...one of my first world problems solved and it's bringing a little thrill to my life

ENJOYING a new arrangement of my teacher desk area...I love rearrangements that bring a breath of fresh air!

HOPING I make it through this week...I can't even work for five full days, people.

CELEBRATING good news for the littles in my Reading class.....life is good when the littles have victories!!

SMELLING new Scentsy scents...I'm trying to reach the Scentsy level of my friend Lesli, but I don't know if I ever will.

THANKING the Redeemer for being enough, ALL that I need...

CONSIDERING taking some classes...do I really wanna???  ewww....homework....

FINISHING few things...I'm a starter.

STARTING lots of things...I don't always finish, though.

In Which I Beg For Us All To Be Good To One Another

In the very recent past (maybe a few months) alone, I have spoken with no less than 6 women of varying ages who have been certainly marked by criticism from an older woman in their lives.  I can also be included in this group.  The "older" women are of varying ages also.  Please don't hear me saying that older women are critical...PLEASE don't hear that...some of the "olders" in these situation aren't "older" at all, but they are just "older" than the "younger" in the situation.

By and large, these "youngers" can think of a list of things to criticize the "olders" about, but these "youngers" I speak of wouldn't, just wouldn't, do it.

My heart wonders why.  Why, oh why, would we intentionally make this hard life harder?  Girls, we need each other.  We are on the same team, trying to navigate life.  I have no need of you pointing out that I have 60 pounds to lose...I am WELL aware of it...and, really, when you point it out, honestly, I just want to keep this fat girl around, hoping desperately that you will love HER.  No girl needs to hear that she is currently not making it as a mom...she is very aware of her shortcomings.  Please don't tell her that her house is always cluttery...she is really just trying to make it through the day with everyone fed and still alive.  Could you please not point out that her job is heading nowhere?  She is passionate about it and loves people through her work every.single.day.

Instead, offer to watch my kids while I hit the gym.  Tell her she is doing a great job as a mom and you are proud of her.  Hang out with her in her cluttery home...you will NOT break out into hives, I promise...and ask her how she's really doing and then listen, really LISTEN, as she speaks her heart.   Tell her you are proud of her for using her gifts to love people, and then take her out to dinner because you know she doesn't make enough money to take herself out.

I wanna live like that.  May it never be said of me that I criticized when I could have loved.  Join me?

happy yellow cart

This cart was meant to be mine.  I loved her at first sight.  She was holding grungy tools at a garage sale, and her sticker said $10.  I didn't have $10 with me, and I didn't have any money left in my "mad money" part of the budget.  There were plenty of years during which the only "mad money" we had was the money that I spent and consequently made Tim mad.  However, these days, our budget does allow me some money to decorate the house, buy fancy hand soap instead of Dial, buy mums for the porch, etc.  I digress...  Anyway, I had already spent that week's "mad money" and I'm really trying to be a budget girl, although it is so very hard.  I walked away from this love-at-first-sight happy yellow cart.

Fast forward two weeks.  My mad money had been replenished, and I had a crisp $10 bill.  I thought, "maybe they are having a yard sale again this week-end".  I drove by, but no such luck.  I had been dreaming of the happy yellow cart in my sleep.  Much to my boys' dismay...actually, just the big boy's dismay, the other two didn't even know what was happening...I parked in the driveway and knocked on the back door.  No answer.  Knocked again.  Still no answer.  I went around to the front door.  She answered!!!!  Now what do I say??  I went with the truth....I saw a happy yellow cart at your garage sale a couple of weeks ago and I didn't have any money but I've been dreaming of the happy yellow cart and I know this is really really weird but is there any chance you still have it and you would sell it to me????  (fingers crossed, hoping she doesn't slam the door in my face)

She smiled and said, "Of course!  I'll meet you out there."  We cleaned off the grungy tools.  I handed her the crisp $10 bill.  The happy cart became mine.  She makes me smile every time I walk by her.  It's like we've been together forever.

Here's to the dark days...

It's one of those days.  Nothing about my circumstances points me to darkness, but the day feels dark.  I can't do all the things, so I lash out.  My to-do list feels like a losing game of Tetris, so I get angry at the people I love the most.  I ask for a night with no kids, but it doesn't really turn out that way.  I realize at about 8:00 that I completely forgot to take dinner to a family with a "Dad fell off the barn" injury.  They went without dinner, and it's my fault.  They're probably starving or eating PopTarts for dinner.  I'm just mad, cranky, grumpy, out of sorts.  It feels dark.  Now, I'm mad at the Loverboy, and he doesn't know why.  There is no why.  He's doing all the things, too.  He's doing more of the things than I'm doing, actually.

I call the Mom of the starving family.  She assures me they did not starve.  We laugh about it.  Grace.  The Loverboy tells me to leave the table and do some of the things.  They will clean up.  Grace.  The littlest one tells me a story about school and his sweet teacher who points him daily to Jesus whether he knows she does or not.  Grace.  The middle one tells us how happy/sad it makes him when his friends take home "Back Pack" food on Friday...happy because they are happy to have food/sad because they wouldn't have food otherwise.  Grace.  The biggest one says "I'm sorry your night without kids didn't really work out".  Grace.

It's all grace, every last little bit of it.  Grace is the road home.  Grace is what will bring the joy in the morning.

Margins

Years ago, at a conference for moms, I heard a speaker talk about a topic I have no memory of.  In the midst of that very inspirational and memorable (ha!) talk, she casually mentioned the idea of margins.  She talked about her family's quest to keep the margins of their life together clear.  Just as a book with little or no margins on the edges would be difficult to read and impossible to take notes in or add to, a life with no space in the margins can be difficult to navigate.

As a young mom, I heard what she was saying, but, honestly, I felt powerless to change much of the stuff creeping into our margins.  I wasn't even sure I wanted to change it.  Our ministry to "big kids" was both challenging and fulfilling.  I liked the fact that high school kids might stop by at the drop of a hat for frozen pizza.  I didn't mind the margins being full because they were full of things we were doing together.  We only had one kid of our own, so he joined in with whatever was happening.  Our lives were full, but I didn't feel a need to change anything.

I am a firm believer that life, just like the weather, comes in seasons.  And so, as our home got more full and the babies started turning into boys and the boys into young men, I started resonating more with the margins lady.  This summer, in particular, our family has cleared the margins.  We have intentionally made space to just "be".  Oh, we're still throwing the camping chairs and bat bags in the back of the Pilot for baseball tournaments, and Mr. Wood has still been going to his job, and the big boy has had Open Gyms...you know the drill, they're never "required", but they are oh-so-required.  However, we have said "no" to things we easily could have said "yes" to.  We have carved out time to sit together by the fire pit.  We have slept in.  We have done projects around the house, not in that "we-are-so-stressed-out-cause-the-floor-is-falling-in" sort of way that we often find ourselves working, but in a relaxed, "just-because-we-want-to" way.  We have even said no to some fun things and important people in order to be with "our people"...the five of us...not because those other things and people aren't SUPER (cause they are...mostly!), but because the five of us will not always be living here together in this old house and the clear margins are sometimes the only space where we can love and be loved, know and be known.

Join me, clear the margins.  Make space.  Chances are, we won't regret it.

Holy Interruptions

It happens to me a lot...the reminding of what is most important, what really matters.  It happened again this morning.

I always have plans in my mind.  There are a jillion things I "should" be doing at any given moment.  The laundry, the cleaning, the projects...they often go undone here at the Woodshed.  Sometimes they go undone because I really am busy doing more important things.  Often, they go undone because, when I finally finish all of the important things, I frankly just don't want to do the laundry, the cleaning, the projects.  So, on the rare occasions when the "time to" and the "want to" come together in a beautiful marriage, I like to run with that.  This morning is one of those such times.  I had a space of time and the gumption inside to finish some things hanging over me.  Then, Ezra asked if we could cuddle.  Well, of course we can cuddle.  That turned into "can we watch a movie and eat our breakfast in the living room?". Well, sure.  That's no problem.  Then, the frozen waffles he could make on his own turned into "can you make real waffles, mama?".  Umm, yes, I'd, ahem, love to, dear sweet boy."  At this point, I'm watching the space of time for my plans slip away.  We finished up the waffles, and just as I was closing the dishwasher, thinking "ok, I think I can still get this done", that sweet boy came in and said, "Mama, can you pour me some coffee with Irish Cream?".  AAAGHGHGHAAGHGHG!!!!

Ok, so pouring coffee doesn't even take that long, but the Irish Cream is new, and I'll have to take the seal off, and that takes forever, and I just want to DO WHAT I WANT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT...I read this article this morning, posted by my friend, and I think of that mama.  She would give anything for even one more holy interruption.  She would gladly open the new creamer this morning if it meant just one more moment with her precious boy.   I'm going to pour the coffee with a grateful heart in her honor this morning, and I think I'll even sit and watch the end of A-Team and drink my own cup right along with him.

You see, I firmly believe that our boys are not in charge of our house, and, so, their demands should never dictate all that happens.  However, this morning, it hit me in a new way.  What if those holy interruptions really ARE the real stuff of life.  Maybe I have always had it backwards.  I've just assumed that the plans I have are the REAL things I should be doing, and most roadblocks to those plans are just annoying, or amusing at best.  Maybe the divine plan for me has more to do with the holy interruptions and less to do with the plans I make.  I won't dump the plans altogether...I mean, I can't go on wearing unwashed jeans FOREVER, and I really do think I'd like to finish those projects some day...but, for today, I'll drink the coffee.  I'll snuggle a little longer.  I'll give thanks for the holy interruptions.