Being

This is the first day of summer break that I haven't had at least one place to be at some point during the day.  Tim and the boys have come and gone and will do so again this evening, but I am still at home in my 1988 Space Camp t-shirt and leggings, my hair pulled up and pinned out of my eyes with a bobby pin.

Oh, I've put some clothes away (trying to chip away at the Mt. Everest that is my clean clothes pile), done some work on the computer, tried a new recipe with some blueberries that were about to go bad, made lunch, washed some dishes, thought about spray painting some lamps...but none of those things were required of me today.  There is nothing pulling at me in this day.

I need these days.  I need to just be.  I need space to think and dream and compose emails in my mind as I sit in the quiet (or not-so-quiet, as the case may be).  I need the margins to be empty some days.  It is in the being that I remember who I am; these are the moments when God's very spirit speaks life into me and reminds me of who I am supposed to be both in the stillness and in the busy.

The "being" days...I need to make sure they happen on a regular basis.

Alas, it is not all rainbows and unicorns...

You know we like to keep it real over here at the Woodshed.  I posted some cutesie pictures today of Simon, 7th year.  He is a doozie, always making us laugh and shake our heads.  We celebrated him tonight and this morning and last night and we will again this week-end.  However, the celebration couldn't hide the scringy parts of the night...when boys were ugly to each other and the mom and dad asked over and over and over and over again for the ugly to stop.  Somewhere in the middle of the ugly, the dad threw his shoe towards the boys (who throws a shoe, Mr. Wood??).  One boy spilled his milk everywhere.  The new scooter that the littlest boy got for his birthday was hard to put together.

And then, when Grammie left, I shared with the boys that I feel embarrassed when Grammie sees them act so ugly.  I became vulnerable and showed my insides...the parts of me that want to know I'm cutting it as a Mama.  Mr. Wood asked them if they feel proud when I see them play ball or sing or do a good job at something.  They said yes, of course.  Then, he asked if they realize that THEY are my job...my ballgame...my symphony...that THEY are my life's work, and I want to know that I'm doing a good job.

Their eyes welled up with tears.  They got it.  The light bulbs turned on.  I feel like they know their Mama a little more after tonight, that somewhere in the midst of the ugly, we turned a corner, and we understand each other better than we did before today.  If that's the case, I'll take the ugly, as it steers us towards the people and the family God had in mind when he made us.

No, sir, it is not all rainbows and unicorns over here, but every once in awhile, this house of boys manages to fart out a rainbow at the end of a long day, and that's what it felt like tonight, just before bedtime.

And then this happens...

There are those days (weeks? months?) when I forget what it's all about, when I start to drown in the clutter, when I can't breathe from the weight of being and doing and remembering and going.  And then this happens, on a Tuesday night in the dining room, and I suddenly remember.  The shift is effortless...I am suddenly very aware that this is the why of it all...that pointing the way to Him is why I'm their Mama and everything else is extra.

Oh, sweet Jesus, may they be dressed in your righteousness alone, and may they, faultless, stand before the throne because of who you are in their lives.

This is love...

The real love--the difficult, daily grind love--comes after the Valentiney stuff is over.  This is real love for me today.  I sent these random statements/questions to Tim this morning.  He talks me down from the ledges.  He brings stability when I have none.  This is the love, people...

**Below is a real email conversation between Mr. Wood and me.  Blue words are me; black words are Mr. Wood.  Sadly, I took some of the [in my opinion] funniest random statements out because, although I'm typically an open book, my book is not THAT open...hahaha.

do you still have staff meeting when holston isn't there?

yes

i absolutely love getting to go to church as a family and going to breakfast and i wouldn't change it EVER

good...me too

i almost equally dislike that it is dark when you get home on Sundays. it makes me have a sort of mini depression each week that i have to talk myself out of. the last few weeks, making pizza has helped the depression. i'm trying to talk myself out of making pizza today.

do some cleaning, read some, put some clothes away, read some more, plan a healthy supper, read some more, I'll be home by 7:30

no matter how often i sort and put away and throw away the things on my desk and on the dining table, the piles come back with a vengeance. the papers...i can't take the papers...

if you need there to be a different system let me know

thank you for listening. feel free to comment.

you're welcome

:)love you.

love you too 

The Grace

Sometimes this Mama loses her $#/&, people.  Sometimes they are at fault, and sometimes they are just being boys or brothers.  When I lose it, they get that look on their faces...the one that communicates "Oh dear, Mama has lost her $#/&!!!!  Here she goes."  I hate it when they get that look as it reeks of despair and maybe even fear...fear of what I think of them in that moment.  I know I am hurting their little souls as I rant.  These are not my finest moments.

It happened just now as we were driving home, as one was unhappy and got a little snippy and that snippy prompted a lot of snippy from another and then the third one decided to get involved.  Then Mama lost it, and the love was not flowing in any direction.

Sometimes, Mama needs to lose it.  When a Mama has three boys, I don't think anyone expects her to be syrupy sweet in every moment, nor should she be.  BUT sometimes this Mama needs to just breathe and love and speak peace and hope instead.

So, I administered the "sorry", and the "sorry" changes things.  They, as always, were so forgiving.  They know how to forgive, these three, and they are full of grace with their Mama.  The big one said, "it's alright", in that voice that is somewhere between child and man.  The little one said, "it's ok, now can I show you my magic trick?".  The middle one looked at me with those big eyes and said, "it's ok.  I still love you" with a sheepish grin.

The grace...it changes everything.

I am...

READING The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown but also at the very same time a fluffy romance novel because sometimes I just need to.

PLAYING Words With Friends, but not very well because I keep getting warnings that I will automatically lose all my games soon.

WATCHING Criminal Minds when I exercise...some days it is the ONLY reason I exercise, folks.

TRYING to exercise every day (see above)

COOKING when I get the chance which is not often...I really should use that crockpot more.

EATING almonds I found hidden in my desk drawer...it was like a giant surprise when I found them!!

DRINKING coffee always...really, what else is there?

CALLING no one, preferably...I don't love talking on the phone.

TEXTING Mr. Wood with sweet nothings...our text history could be a smut novel, and I'm proud of that, people.

PINNING Master Bedroom organization...I can't even...the laundry...I can't put it away, I'm allergic.

TWEETING nothing..I've never tweeted or twittered.

CRAFTING rarely, but it's always fun when I do.  I crafted a little before Christmas and it made me super happy.

DOING my best to do all of the things and still love all of the people.

GOING to a ballgame, always...it's fun, though.

LOVING my people...the ones I live with and the ones I don't, the ones I have sought out and the unexpected surprises...all of the people

HATING injustice, both in the big world out there and in my little world

DISCOVERING that gel polish really doesn't chip off my nails...one of my first world problems solved and it's bringing a little thrill to my life

ENJOYING a new arrangement of my teacher desk area...I love rearrangements that bring a breath of fresh air!

HOPING I make it through this week...I can't even work for five full days, people.

CELEBRATING good news for the littles in my Reading class.....life is good when the littles have victories!!

SMELLING new Scentsy scents...I'm trying to reach the Scentsy level of my friend Lesli, but I don't know if I ever will.

THANKING the Redeemer for being enough, ALL that I need...

CONSIDERING taking some classes...do I really wanna???  ewww....homework....

FINISHING few things...I'm a starter.

STARTING lots of things...I don't always finish, though.

In Which I Beg For Us All To Be Good To One Another

In the very recent past (maybe a few months) alone, I have spoken with no less than 6 women of varying ages who have been certainly marked by criticism from an older woman in their lives.  I can also be included in this group.  The "older" women are of varying ages also.  Please don't hear me saying that older women are critical...PLEASE don't hear that...some of the "olders" in these situation aren't "older" at all, but they are just "older" than the "younger" in the situation.

By and large, these "youngers" can think of a list of things to criticize the "olders" about, but these "youngers" I speak of wouldn't, just wouldn't, do it.

My heart wonders why.  Why, oh why, would we intentionally make this hard life harder?  Girls, we need each other.  We are on the same team, trying to navigate life.  I have no need of you pointing out that I have 60 pounds to lose...I am WELL aware of it...and, really, when you point it out, honestly, I just want to keep this fat girl around, hoping desperately that you will love HER.  No girl needs to hear that she is currently not making it as a mom...she is very aware of her shortcomings.  Please don't tell her that her house is always cluttery...she is really just trying to make it through the day with everyone fed and still alive.  Could you please not point out that her job is heading nowhere?  She is passionate about it and loves people through her work every.single.day.

Instead, offer to watch my kids while I hit the gym.  Tell her she is doing a great job as a mom and you are proud of her.  Hang out with her in her cluttery home...you will NOT break out into hives, I promise...and ask her how she's really doing and then listen, really LISTEN, as she speaks her heart.   Tell her you are proud of her for using her gifts to love people, and then take her out to dinner because you know she doesn't make enough money to take herself out.

I wanna live like that.  May it never be said of me that I criticized when I could have loved.  Join me?