We can do hard things.

Growing up, most things came easy for me.  I had great parents, and I even enjoyed being around them most of the time.  I was pretty good at school.  I made friends fairly easily.  I was good at music stuff.  I never played sports because I would have had to work at it and I would not have been very good after a little work or even a lot of work.  See, I just didn't do things that I couldn't be good at.

Then I got to college.  This "4.0 in high school" girl struggled in Chemistry her freshman year.  No matter how hard I tried and how much I studied, I could not get it.  I wasn't sure what to do as I had never come across something so difficult for me.  I was also severely homesick.  Our phone bill the first month I was there (I was 10 hours away from home, so calling was my only option and cell phones were not around yet!) was over $250.  My dad, bless his heart, called me and issued the ultimatum after that bill arrived!  I can remember riding in the back seat of some guy's little hatchback, on our way back to Milligan after fall break.  In those days, you just caught a ride with anyone heading towards the Midwest and had your parents pick you up at the Plainfield Cracker Barrel. As we were heading into the mountains, I was repeating, over and over under my breath, "Be still and know that I am God.".  For whatever reason, that was the scripture on my mind and I thought that if I just said it to myself enough times I might not hyperventilate and grab the steering wheel so the strange boy would wreck and I would have enough injuries that I would have to go back home.  Pathetic, huh?

Eventually Chemistry ended  and I pulled out a C for my final grade.  The next semester I got a B, and I can honestly say I've never thought about Chemistry again since then.  I grew to love Milligan as much as my own home, and I am convinced that those struggles made me more like Jesus than I would have been without them.

As I look at these boys God has given to us in light of my story, I am determined to allow them to have struggles.  I don't want to solve all of their issues and make life easy for them.  I want to be grateful for the struggles they encounter.  Certainly, I will pray that they will not be hurt in the midst of them, and certainly, I would rather they not have them at all and still become all they were made to be.  However, the older I get the more I believe that it just doesn't work that way.  The struggle IS the refining fire.  If we want to be refined, we just have to embrace the struggle.

I remain grateful for three boys who are becoming who they were created to be and for the man walking alongside me as we navigate these years.

Reflections on football...

Now that's not something I thought I'd ever write about, but I have learned a valuable lesson from my good friend Cody Adams...sports can relate to and teach lessons about other areas of life. So, being a mama of three fairly sporty boys, I'm always on the lookout for those lessons.

For what it's worth, here are my thoughts on last night's experience:

1. Sherman made an incredible play. He has serious talent and skill.

2.  When Sherman made that "choke" symbol to the 49ers player, he was being rude, or, as Ezra said it, he was acting like a jerk.

3.  I am sad that my boys saw him do that, but I am glad they recognized that it was not appropriate.

4.  I do realize that the 49ers player may have been saying rude things that we did not hear.

5.  That interview was funny to me, mostly because of the reporter's reaction.

6.  Sherman's actual words (if you can get past the yelling) most likely reflect the honest thoughts of many pro athletes who have the gumption to reach that level of play.

7.  I believe there is a different way to live and think about one's self, but, if I'm brutally honest, sometimes I feel that way about myself, too.

8.  I believe that Sherman is an intelligent man based on his past accomplishments, but that interview still makes me say "WOW".

9.  If I had just been running and jumping and stretching out my arm way far, particularly with all of that gear on, maybe I would have been yelling too.

10.  All in all, he's still a person just like me, and he likely has a mama who loves him and doesn't want me to assume that his public actions and interviews completely define him...at least that's what I would want for my boys....BUT if any of my boys ever makes that choke sign at someone, they better believe they'll be in trouble with me, even if they are playing in the NFL.

The Gap

Although you won't find me making fun of anyone who has made resolutions, I haven't made any for myself.  I also can't zero in on one word for the year as I have in some past years....

The one thing I can't get my mind off of or wrap my brain around, though, is our family's role in narrowing the gap between us and those who need things we have.  It has been eating at me for years.  I can point back to when I read the book The Irresistible Revolution as the starting point for the gnawing at my brain and heart.  Oh sure, we've done small things to try and narrow the gap...getting rid of (some) excess, giving more, doing our part (or at least attempting) to be nice to the planet, reaching out here and there, secretly meeting needs of people we know, adopting a boy in El Salvador and a girl in Ecuador through Compassion International, praying about whether we should adopt an orphan....  While these are all good things, and I'm grateful for the small changes our family has made, we still have an "us" and "them" mentality.  "We" help "them".  "They" need food or money, so "we" throw it towards "them".  "We" feel stirred, so "we" adopt another child through Compassion.

Meanwhile, we go on with our lives, spending the grocery money each week and only feeling angst when we've reached the budget limit and therefore the shoe polish Dad needed and the more expensive shampoo Mom wanted will have to wait until next week.  We have all that we need and more.  Our clothes are generally in style and they are certainly warm and in our size.  The gloves I got for Christmas (which I love) cost as much as caring for a child in Ecuador for a whole month.  Our vehicles, while I wish they were newer and had that new fangled "talk on the phone through your car" system, are not more than 10 years old and run well.

So, how do we reconcile this?  How do we narrow the gap and erase "them" and "us" from our vocabulary?  How do we enter into community with people who need things we have?  That's what I'm looking for this year.  That's what I'm praying about.  That's what I long for.  I can't reduce it to a resolution or a word, but it is what it is...it is what is in my heart for our family...for 2014 and beyond.

The Beautiful Circle...

As I sit on the couch popping saltine crackers, home from work today feeling nasty, I'm reflecting on a fun evening spent with Jim and Amanda and their kiddos. I immediately feel grateful for the kids in our lives. I couldn't possibly list them because I would leave some out. Our boys refer to them as "the big kids", the kids involved in our youth ministry over the years. They all line the walls of my heart; they still fill the pages of my prayer journals. Somehow they are becoming grown ups and getting married and having kids, but we will always think of them as "the big kids". They live in all parts of the country and even the world. My heart feels glad any time we get to connect with one of them.

I love thinking about the youth ministry interns Tim had over the years. Three of them are now youth ministers right around us (Don is faithfully loving on and building up kids at Bell Ridge, Nathan...we LOVE that he is showing Jesus to kids at FCC, and Jim and his wife Amanda have just arrived at Maryland). JB passionately ministers to and with kids in Owensboro, and Isaac, along with his wife, Maggie, is pushing back the darkness in Missouri. Julia is shining her light in Indy. Sara (ok, she was technically the children's intern, but I couldn't leave her out!) is building the kingdom with Andrew in Louisville.

Jim was the youth ministry intern a LOT of summers ago. From this picture (Jim is in the back row on the right), I think it was 2003 or 2004? Life's beautiful circle has made its way around, and Jim will now be our boys' youth minister. In fact, our Isaac (the little guy Tim is holding in the picture) was in our living room entertaining Jim and Amanda's toddler just last night.

How could we have known when we took that picture? We had no idea of the twists and turns. We couldn't have guessed where life would take us all. God had it all in mind even then. He went before us to prepare the way. He walked through it all with each of us. He is good. He is faithful. He is in charge. I adore him, and I'm thankful for the beautiful circles he makes in our lives.

Perspective...

Due to a glitch in my digital family calendar, an added football game my typically responsible 12 year old didn't mention, and a bit of pure forgetfulness on my part, today quickly changed from a day with almost nowhere to be into a day of running to and fro and being busy almost every minute.  I got grumpy as soon as I realized what was happening...really grumpy.  Somewhere in the midst of my grumpiness, a blog came to mind that I read months ago.  It was written by a busy mom who had been diagnosed with cancer and was in a season of her cancer where she was pretty much at home all of the time.  She wrote about missing the busy days of driving kids to and fro.  I haven't thought about that blog in months, but it came to mind at just the right time today.  My grumpiness vanished almost instantly.   I became grateful for the day, grateful for the beauty of the outside I was now enjoying, grateful for healthy boys, grateful for it all.

Perspective...it reminds me to be thankful for all of it.

On growing...

Recently our family has had a situation in which I have not felt like acting very much like Jesus. Isaac, on the other hand, has been the picture of grace, humble strength, and Christ-likeness. I have learned from and been convicted by his choices.

How did this happen before my very eyes? This baby I rocked and cuddled has become my brother in the kingdom, leading me when I'm not sure what the next move should be, gently correcting me when my moves are selfish and my motives impure.

Isaac, in response to Tim's thoughts on the situation and a possible scenario, responded to Tim, "I'd like to pray about it first." So this morning, Tim said to me, "there is a sense in which he is his own man now. Of course, we are still his parents and his authority, but he has a greater Father."

Yes, he does, and it's what I want for him and what we've worked for and prayed for, but there are moments when I'd like for that man-child to go back to being a baby whose issues could be solved by nursing, rocking, and singing to him.

And so we go on...navigating this world together, a world that is not our home. We long for heaven together and we spur each other on...well, Isaac spurring and me pouting under my breath.

No, it is certainly not all bliss...

 My husband knows me, and so he surely knew this post was coming.  I am nothing if not real, and I felt the need for full disclosure on this one.

Remember the other night on facebook when I put this cutesy picture of us and said, "goin on a hot date with this guy"?  It was our 15 year anniversary, and we headed out on a hot date.  By the end of it, things were hot alright, but not in the way you might have imagined.

When dinner was almost over, things turned south...we were in a full blown argument by the time we hit Starbucks.  I managed to still order my Starbucks...few things get in the way of that, you know!  We continued to argue and could not figure out a way to solve this one.  It was a doozy.  We drove home, still not on the same page...me feeling confused and wondering why I still am learning more of the inner workings of this man I love fiercely, him feeling hurt and alone.  We went to bed mad...I know, I know...that's a no-no, but I was tired, and nothing was getting any better.

We woke up the next morning with apologies and tears and explanations and understandings.  It is hard work, this marriage thing.  It takes humility and intense listening.  It takes effort to understand and to be willing to still learn new...yes, I said NEW...things about each other.  We have been married for 15 years, and we dated for 3 years before that, and yet there are still things to be discovered.

The work is worth it, but it is work, nonetheless.  It is not always bliss.  Sometimes it is ugly.  And yet, it is ALWAYS worth it.