The house is dark and quiet, as everyone is in bed except me...well, and Dexter, our dog. With Mother’s Day arriving at the stroke of midnight, the profile pictures on Facebook are all migrating to mom pictures and it’s churning up my thoughts on being a mom.
I had no idea how to be a mom. I remember making a little journal to keep track of Isaac’s feedings, pees, and poops, and I messed it all up by day 2 and thought he would likely be dead or dehydrated come morning. Although I’ve spent so very many days with these boys, I have trouble vividly recalling a single day’s events from those early years. The older moms said it a million times if they said it once...it will go SO fast...but you can’t really feel the quickness until you sit in the quiet, with the 17, almost 13, and newly 10 year olds all up in their beds.
And so, here I sit, wondering if we have said all of the things and played enough board games and knowing that we haven’t done it all right and we’ve taught them to limp in some ways and praying that the grace that sustains us will also sustain them.
I know very little for sure, but I know a few things. We haven’t always fed them whole grains and enough fruits and vegetables. We’ve let them have too much soda and more screen time than is healthy. We’ve placed too much emphasis on the wrong kind of success at times. We cuss in front of them and let them watch movies my mama still wouldn’t like....
...and just about the time I start to think that we have completely screwed them up, I think of the grace and love that have come right alongside of all of those things. I hope we’ve shown them how to love and how to extend grace. And yet...I hope they show more grace and love to their own families than we’ve ever thought about showing. I hope they spend their very lives discovering the limits of grace and love. I hope God takes them to places nearby and far far away to make his name great. I hope we’ve shown them that they can do anything and go anywhere but that they can also stay right in the very spot they are in and that God’s name can be made great in both of those places and everywhere in between.
I had absolutely no idea how to be a mom. Who DOES really know how to be a mom? And yet, here we are, nearly 18 years later, and I’m doing it. It’s not much different from any of the other relationships we find ourselves in...love fiercely and selflessly and admit when you screw up, and you are well on your way.
So, I’m sorry, Isaac, that I messed up your pee and poop journal, and I’m sorry, Ezra and Simon, that I didn’t even bother to make a pee and poop journal for the two of you. I hope I’ve managed to make up for it in some way. I can’t wait to see how God uses you three to love his world, and, in fact, he already is, and it’s a joy to watch! I’m the absolute luckiest to be your mama. You make me cuss and laugh every.single.day. Love, Mom
