He Will Hold Me Fast

It isn't always me holding on to Jesus.  In fact, it's usually him holding on to me.  This love he pursues me with is steadfast and sure.

Anything in me that is good is because of this love.  Certainly, I have lived through seasons of peace and joy, and, man, am I grateful for those.  I have also lived through hard seasons, filled with doubt and sadness and all of the things. I can't help being grateful for those also.  It is in those times I learn more about his strong, bold love that pursues me and holds on to me.

He held me fast...when friendships were hard and sometimes hurtful...

He held me fast...when I was so homesick I couldn't see straight...

He held me fast..when my dad died unexpectedly at the age of 49...

He held me fast...when I didn't know how to lead a group of people and felt utterly ill-equipped...

He held me fast...when we miscarried...

He held me fast...when postpartum depression nearly caved me in...

He held me fast...when the days felt so long with three little boys in my care...

He held me fast...when marriage has felt too difficult...

He held me fast...when life felt confusing and hurtful and out of sorts...

...and the list goes on...

I don't know what or where I would be if it were not for Jesus and his love.  He will, indeed, hold me fast.

Dear Twenty-Year-Old Jen,

Oh sweet girl, I know you’re having so much fun, falling in love whether you’re admitting it right now or not. I just want you to know that your life becomes a bonafide adventure. Here are some things I wish I could tell you....

Be open, be humble, be kind, be confident. There are things you think you know about living...boldly go with them.  At the same time, learn from ALL of the people in your path...take mental notes on ways you wanna live and ways you don't, and then let that shape your behavior.

Trust Mr. Wood with everything you have (you end up marrying him, by the way...).  He is wise, he is good, he will not ever lie to you.  Listen to him when he tells you there is something you don't have the money to do because he knows what he is talking about.  Respect him.  Tell him often that you do.

Oh, and keep wearing those cute little pearl earrings, or one day, when you're in your forties, you'll try to put in earrings and realize your holes have nearly closed up.  Bummer.

You are going to be the mama of boys.  Start watching superhero movies now to get a head start.  Boys are FUN, so fun...you have no idea right now what joy they are going to bring to your home.  Embrace it all...

You will eventually get the new siding and shutters on the old house you buy.  Just be patient.  You probably won't ever refinish the original wood floors, though...just deal with it.

Goodness, the people you will be able to know and love along the way.  There will be so many of them.  For a lot of years, your circle will be naturally formed by the people in the churches you work in...that's normal and fine.  However, somewhere around 2010, you and Mr. Wood will both enter the regular old workforce, and you will both meet so many new people and make so many new friends.  It will be so fun.  Life will become different and wild and more colorful, and you will love it!  Learn from all of these new people...hang with them, love them and be loved by them.

There will be JOY, such joy.  Not every day will be happy, but there will be a deep and abiding joy from the Father that will sustain you.  Lean in to that.  Draw strength from it on the happy days and the not-happy days.

Marriage is work.  Do.the.work.  Start with the work inside of you.  Don't be afraid of it.  Talk to someone if you can't figure it out yourselves.  Don't be scared to ask for help. 

There will be hurt.  People will hurt you deeply.  I'm sorry.  I really am.  I wish there was a "skip" card to play, but there just isn't.  I want you to know that you will live through it and come out on the other side.  It sounds cliche, but VERY beautiful things will be born out of it.  Keep living, keep breathing, keep loving...it's worth it.

PLEASE tell Mr. Wood to keep that track suit.  Your oldest son will be an old soul and he will want it some day.  

When you are 45, you will get a tattoo in Mr. Wood's handwriting, reminding you that you're enough.  It will be born out of your self-discovery when writing a "coming of age" letter to your niece.  When you tell Parida, the tattoo artist, that you are 45 and this is your first tattoo, she will excitedly reply "Hell yeah, bitch!".  Hahahhaha!!

Trust your gut.  It's one of the ways God will nudge you.  You will "just know" when something is right or wrong for your family.  Fully trust that.

Raising kids will be one of the most rewarding things you will ever do and also one of the most exhausting.  Keep at it.  Help them to be great boys, expose them to so many things, explain to them your expectations, be consistent so they can trust your word.  Take them to faraway places so they know the world doesn't revolve around them.  At the same time, teach them to deeply value the space they are in.  Be honest with them.  Apologize.  Show them grace.  Let them know early on that you will pay for their therapy that you will surely be the cause of.  Enjoy every season with them...it gets more and more fun.

Be real.  Be kind always.  Be life-giving.

If you just decide to be happy, you can be...

    

The year was 2013, and Ezra was 8 years old.  Nothing monumental was happening when he blurted out "if you just decide to be happy, you can be".  Wait, stop...can you repeat that, Buddy, so I can write it down?  I'm going to need that later.

I want to be careful to point out that there are life circumstances and mental health crises and emotional difficulties that can and do prevent us from simply DECIDING to be happy.  I would never wish to discount those situations which can sometimes be debilitating, or, at the very least, overwhelming, and those realities are not at all what I am referring to here.

And yet...on most of the days, we really do get to decide.  For me, it goes like this...am I stressed out by the dishes piling up because our kitchen faucet is broken or relieved that a new one is coming in the mail today and I think I know how to replace it?  Is fixing dinner again tonight something that will put me over the edge, or am I grateful for the meat in our freezer and the gadgets in my kitchen?  Are the piles in our dining room from cleaning out my classroom enough to make me paralyzed or am I grateful for a new season of life and ten years of memories in a few wooden boxes?  Are the cups and bowls left on the end tables in the living room making me crazy, or am I just so thankful that our three boys enjoy each other and gathered there to eat last night, laughing and having fun?  Is the brokenness and turmoil in the world robbing my hope and joy, or can I console myself with thoughts of simply loving the circle around me and bringing hope and grace to the folks I am privileged to encounter?  Are health issues for me and my loved ones driving me to fear the worst, or can I take a deep breath and give thanks for modern medicine and the opportunities available for healing and wellness?

There are moments when the pain is too great, the fear too much, to decide to be happy.  But on many, if not most, of the days, I get to decide.  Thank you, eight-year-old Ezra, for teaching me that happy is a choice and it's nearly always available to us all.