As the boys are getting older, I am noticing that there are more and more pockets of time during which the seeming control I have over their lives is gone. Of course, if I'm honest, I must admit that I never really have control of their lives, but let's not go there today, okay? :)
Some pockets of bygone days that come to mind...
...Isaac riding away on Bill's bus, headed to preschool, while I'm sobbing in the living room, wondering if he'll be tempted to drink, smoke pot, and have sex all on the first day.
...leaving the boys with Grandma to go on a cruise, with Ezra recently weaned, wondering if they'll be ok and not able to call home to check on them
...leaving them to go to Haiti (read this post for more on those Mama thoughts)
...the first sleepover for Isaac
...leaving them with sweet young babysitters, feeling certain they'll be okay, but wondering how they'll fare if there's a catastrophe
...sending Isaac to stay with his cousins soon after he FINALLY stopped wearing Pull-ups (will he hate reading this when he's 16??), wondering if he'll be scared, sad, or embarrassed if he has an accident
...and the list could go on...
Isaac has been riding his bike to school this year on his own (or so he thought!). Little did he know, I've been watching him ride the block to the big road and then sprinting a half a block to peer between two houses and see the crossing guard let him cross. I have felt compelled to SEE him cross the road and arrive safely at school...until last Friday. It hit me like a ton of bricks...I don't have to SEE Isaac to know that he's being seen. I can sit contentedly on my porch swing (well, technically, not anymore since it fell tonight WHILE I WAS SITTING ON IT, but that's a story for another day...) and trust that Isaac is SEEN and KNOWN by his creator.
Another pocket is gone, and I'm glad. These pockets are getting too heavy for me to carry.